Dec. 2nd, 2013

abrynne: (colors)
It's been a long, long while since I've done a super detailed, life blog post. And seeing as how LJ is down, here I am.

Three weeks until Christmas. I just got back from visiting Danny & Fam in Denver yesterday. It was a great Thanksgiving! I love those kiddies and Dan & Stef so much! They are awesome and hilarious. I think my only problem was that I was extra tired because of the lack of oxygen up there. If I'd been there for longer, I would have gotten used to it. But other than that, I really like it there. It's pretty.

Whilst at Danny's I found myself thinking about what I really wanted. Where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. The fact is that there isn't really anything stopping me. I have a good job right now and I was able to buy my own plane ticket for the first time for this last trip.

I've never been a fan of list making, but because I tend to lose focus a lot of the time, I think I need to utilize that organization tool, simply to keep myself on track. It works for me at work. So why not in my actual life (or lack thereof).

Listed from the short term, can-do-now items, to the more long term goals,
Here are the things I want to do:

1. Start a Video Blog:
YouTube commenters scare me. They can be needlessly cruel. However, I have been considering doing this for a long while now, and I think it's still a good idea. I have thoughts of my own, and sometimes they're more easily conveyed through expression and my voice than through text.

I also think that I could make it like a writing vlog. Of course I'll talk about other things, but I will focus on my writing, what I'm slogging through and so forth.

No, it won't get a lot of views or comments, but that won't be the point of it.

It will also be an excellent excuse for me to organize and clean my bedroom.

2. Finish a Novel and Get it Under the Nose of a Professional:
I am very close with Warped, the real world/sci-fi YA novel I've been working on since 2009. It is currently being submitted to my writing group and critiqued by people who are in the same boat as I am: Writers with some talent who have not been published yet. I am on the fifth draft, and have completed only about fifty pages of it. I need to get the next fifty done this month. Dammit!

The professional bit will, of course, come after the completed bit.

3. Retain a Steady Job
I'm working as a temp for a very good company right now. And I feel the pressure of trying to get in and become a permanent employee. Especially from my parents, who still tend to treat me like a teenager whose never had a job before.

Admittedly, the latest conversation I had with them about this turned my stomach at the idea of getting a permanent office job anywhere. I felt physically ill at the thought of staying in one work place for heaven knows how long. I know, that sounds awful and somewhat ungrateful of me, but doing what I'm doing now was never ever what I really wanted to do. What my parents, and I'm pretty sure most of my family do not, or will not, understand is that the jobs I've had since I started working were simply to make money and support myself while I work on my own time at what I really want to do. I don't want to go to a trade school, I don't want to work my way up in a company. I wouldn't mind taking some classes eventually when I can afford it, but they would be geared toward what I want to do.

I know my parents just want to make sure that I'm taken care of. I know that's all they want for me: To be happy and taken care of. Sometimes, it is difficult not to take their concerns as lack of faith me, and in what I'm trying to accomplish. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I certainly haven't done anything that would secure any belief that I can truly finish something. But there is no use in focusing on that.

I also want me to be happy and taken care of. And for right now, a permanent position somewhere is not a bad idea. It was more the idea of being stuck somewhere, in some office, that made me a little queasy. So, that's what I'm going to try to accomplish within the next few months.

4. Take Care of Myself
This is actually a little more involved than the usual exercising, and eating better thing. Although, I do try to go for walks during the week while I'm at work, and I don't stuff myself like I used to because I just didn't care. I don't even try to fight the chocolate. Maybe I'll find the strength for that later on.

I have some medical problems that need to be addressed. Lately it's seemed like my life is on "Stand By" because of these issues. I had tests done last year, and racked up an impressive hospital bill that I am pay off little by little, because I don't have good insurance (when I have any at all).

For the past year I haven't done anything about it at all, and that's not good. There is one issue I have that could end up taking my life. I think about it every day. It's always there in the back of my mind. And all it does is upset and frustrate me because I don't have the money to pay the doctors so they can figure out what's causing the problem.

So, like a lot of things in my life, I've been avoiding it. That's usually my solution for everything. Oh, if I don't worry about it, if I don't think about it, it will soon go away. I've been happier lately, but that thing, The Thing That's Wrong With Me is always there, nagging in the back of my mind. It's not going away.

That is partially why my family is hoping that I get a permanent position somewhere. That way I would have insurance benefits, and wouldn't have to worry so much about paying the hospital and the doctors. And maybe, just maybe the cause would be found, and I could be Fixed.

There's no guarantee that will happen, though. So, I need to go through with Option Two: Applying for state insurance. I have the paperwork. (Which Mom physically handed to me.) I just need to hunker down and fill it out.

5. Work from Home
We're getting into the long term goals now. And this is the dream. And I don't mean any job where I still have to put in my eight hours. I really hope that one day I can make enough money by my writing that I won't need the aforementioned permanent desk job anymore. I'm not looking to be hugely J.K. Rowling famous, to have all of my books made into movies or anything. I just want to make enough that I can support myself. That way, I can write, be my own boss (for the most part) and still have time to take care of my hypothetical family.

And that leads me right on to number six.

6. Have a Family
I'm single (always and forever). And I do believe that I was meant to be single for this long. I needed to grow up and figure things out. It probably took me longer than it should have, but I am happier now for it.

I'm not searching and obsessing over finding a man. It doesn't bother me that I've never gotten past the first date with a guy. I needed to learn about what I wanted, what I needed. Now, I know I still need to learn. The difference is that I am willing to learn alongside someone else.
I have no doubt that it will happen eventually. I plan to meet whatever comes when it does.

As for children, I reference number four in this list. If I want to have my own kids, I need to take care of my medical issues first. Otherwise, it would make things more complicated and dangerous than they generally are when it comes to pregnancy. That's why this is goal is basically last on the list. I need to get myself taken care of first before I start taking care of someone else.

Yeah, there are other things I want to do. I'd like to go Skydiving. I'd like to go to New York City. I'd like to be an extra in a Star Trek movie. I'd like to meet Harrison Ford. But those aren't the big things. I can go on living if none of those things happen and be happy.

This list, these six items are where I want to go.


abrynne: (Default)

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