Oneself

Jan. 19th, 2015 12:36 am
abrynne: (save me)
Being in a situation like mine, it becomes more and more difficult to keep oneself occupied. Finding any kind of purpose or task is hard. It usually has to be physical, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, working on a puzzle. When I am too tired for anything like that or I can't think of anything else, I usually end up lying on my bed and watching TV.

Moving a TV into my room was a good idea. But then again it probably wasn't either.

I watched Julie and Julia today. I don't know why I like that movie. Well, yes I do. I know why I like it. In spite of the grating character Amy Adam's plays in that, I am drawn to the story about two women who were determined to finish something, and when they finally did it paid off in spades. Not only that but they found/fed their passions in doing that something.

I also have a soft spot for stories about writers getting their break. Whenever I see Jo March in Little Women open that package at the end of the movie, or Julia Child open that envelope from the publishing company, I always get a thrill for them.

When I saw that scene in Julie & Julia today, it got me thinking about how I've just been drifting here for the past nine months. This is the longest I've gone without a job since I was eighteen. This is the longest I've gone without writing anything substantial for many years also. At first, I felt like I lost it. I lost my motivation, whatever that was, to write. And not only that, I lost my creativity - whatever it was that allowed me to write in the first place.

Watching that movie today made me want to be able to write again. But I'm afraid that I can't. At least not how I used to. So, then I asked myself, why do I want to be a writer? Why?

So I can be the next J.K. Rowling and make a gazillion dollars off of my children's stories?
No. One of the first rules I learned when I got into this was that you don't go into writing for the money. The odds of anything like that happening to me are astronomical. If I can ever make enough for me to live on that would be miraculous in itself.

Why, then?

Because it is far too interesting inside my brain to keep it all to myself? Possibly. Writing does help me express that.

There is a high I always get when I'm first writing a new story down whether it's by hand or otherwise. It is a thrill like nothing else. I haven't experienced that in a long time. I still probably won't for a while because of how tired I always am.

But I think today I learned that at least the desire, the motivation is still there inside me somewhere. Hopefully I'll be able to act on it again.

Legolas

Sep. 11th, 2014 08:24 am
abrynne: (Default)
Things kept falling and making big bangy noises, waking me up. Curse you, bottle of TUMS!

Since I'm awake let me describe my current situation:

Right now I am sitting up in bed. It's still semi-dark in my bedroom. I've been up since about seven and decided to open up Harold (laptop) after dilly-dallying around on my phone in Candy Crush, waiting for the next set of levels to open up. I have just finished answering some messages on FB and decided to make this entry because I am literally stuck in here for at least another hour.

I would like to go to the bathroom, but unfortunately I am connected to my cycler. The cycler is a machine that I hook up to every night and basically does my dialysis for me. It has a pump that puts fluid in and out of my body at certain intervals throughout the night. That's probably the simplest explanation for it.

In the spirit of naming all of my devices and appliances I have named my particular cycler Legolas because it is essential for my survival yet constantly states the obvious.

There is a ten foot line of tube that connects me to Legolas, so I am "free to move about the cabin" as it were. But I can only go as far as my bedroom door, and that's about it. I'm kind of on a leash. A leash that's connected to my insides, but a leash nonetheless.

Having woken up early today, I have to wait until Legolas is finished before I can disconnect from it and go to the bathroom. Maybe take a shower.

The good thing about Legolas, however, is that my days are freed up. I don't have to do any treatments during the day because Legolas handles them all at night. So, that is nice.

My relationship with Legolas has not always been so peachy, though. Oh no. When I first got Legolas, he was set to drain as much fluid out as possible before he filled me up again. I don't know if I can accurately describe what it feels like to have something hoovering out your insides, but I can say that it is not pleasant. It was very painful at one point and I was sore during the day.

Now, after my nurse changed some settings, Legolas and I have an amicable relationship. Very give and take. Well quite literally, it's give, wait for an hour, and then take again.

Mom bought me a notebook at my request, and I've been scribbling in it off and on. Going back to the beginning (This is where I am, this is where I'll stay! I will nobemoved!) and writing by hand again is kind of refreshing. It's slower, but then again, I'm slower right now, so it fits. I do feel like some of what I used to be is coming back. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Yet I can't think of another way to explain it.

I still get tired easily. Don't know when that's going to go away. I did some laundry yesterday and helped Mom and Dad and Sean can peaches. And that basically wore me out. Even though I slept in really late I was able to go right to sleep last night because of how tired I was. It still feels like a work out taking a shower.

But I'm helping out more. Mom doesn't go downstairs much because of her knees, so the laundry is officially my job. I also try to help cook and stuff. Standing at the stove to cook something is a challenge because I get tired and have to sit down, but a couple of months ago I couldn't really stand at the stove at all. Progress! I guess. :P
abrynne: (Default)
It's been pouring rain outside all day long. Perfect writing weather.

I've had the itch to write in the back of my brain for the past week or more. But my fear of diving into it again has trumped the itch so far. I'm not sure what exactly I'm afraid of. I suppose I've been away from it for so long now, it's hard to get up the courage to try poking at it again.

I went into the hospital at the end of March. It is now the end of July. Maybe it's the idea that my motivation is completely gone. I can't even come up with a reason to pick up a book and read it. What with all of this change in my life, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it's difficult to see the point when all you do is sleep, try to eat, make sure to get your four dialysis treatments in (Don't forget those!) and then go back to sleep again.

Yet, there has been this itch.

And I still don't know what to do with it. I think I'm also afraid that this whole medical experience has sucked all of the creativity out of me. Yes, that may be an irrational fear (fear itself is typically irrational) but I've been trying to come up with a reason for my complete lack of motivation to do anything that I used to enjoy.

With that though, I'll just be talking myself in circles. I want to try waiting on it a little more. Writing was the only thing that I really wanted to do. Now, I'm very afraid that that's not the case anymore.

I've been living at the parents' house since May. It's been okay. I have my own little bedroom, where I've hung up some posters and where Becca also brought me a life size cardboard cut out of Jared Padalecki. He stares darkly at me from my closet. For a while I had a scarf wrapped around his head so he'd stop staring at me while I put my underwear away.

Living at the parents' house comes with the instinctive "helping out" feeling. And I try to when I'm feeling good. Mom has a hard time going up and down the stairs, so I've been doing more of the laundry lately. I'm kind of a weakling, but stairs don't bother me at least.

I've also learned a lot about Halo and other video games through Sean. He's let me play some, and while I'm not horrible, I would be a major handicap to any online team I joined. But that never bothered me. I just enjoy blowing things up.

In return, Sean's been watching Supernatural with me. He's never seen it before, so I've been very excited about getting him to watch certain episodes. We're in the middle of season six.

My treatment is the same as I stated before. I'm doing it at home four times a day. It's not bad, but sometimes it can get in the way of things. Cecily took me down to Ashland for some of the Shakespeare festival a couple of weeks ago and I had to bring all of my stuff with me so I could do my dialysis in the hotel room. Once we were there it was okay, but it took a bit of planning ahead, which I'm not prone to. We also had to plan out or days while in Ashland around the times I needed to stop and ... dialysize.

Hopefully it won't last much longer. Next week, I'm going to start training on this machine they call a "cycler" which will do my treatments at night while I sleep (Hopefully I'll be able to sleep.) so eventually I won't have to do anything during the day.

I'll still have my catheter that goes around with me. I know what I thought of when I first heard the word "catheter" but it's not what you think. This catheter goes through a small hole in my abdomen about six inches to the side of my belly button. The tube inside drains the old fluid and fills me up with new fluid for dialysis. The tube outside is about eighteen inches long. And I have to coil it up and tape it to me in order to keep it from catching on anything.

After having that tube for almost three months now, something interesting came to mind. I thought of that line that Tony Stark says in The Avengers. Tony points to the glowing arc reactor in his chest and explains that it's keeping him alive and then he says, "It's a part of me."

That's what my catheter is too. It's something artificial that was put in to keep me alive. And it is a part of me. It's nowhere near as awesome, of course. And I doubt I could power a metal suit with rocket boots with it. Regardless, it does what it's supposed to. And it's been part of huge changes in my life. It's a part of me now. Although... maybe if I ran into Tony he could think of something cool I could do with it. :)

Hm. Maybe that writing thing will come back after all.
abrynne: (colors)
It's been a long, long while since I've done a super detailed, life blog post. And seeing as how LJ is down, here I am.

Three weeks until Christmas. I just got back from visiting Danny & Fam in Denver yesterday. It was a great Thanksgiving! I love those kiddies and Dan & Stef so much! They are awesome and hilarious. I think my only problem was that I was extra tired because of the lack of oxygen up there. If I'd been there for longer, I would have gotten used to it. But other than that, I really like it there. It's pretty.

Whilst at Danny's I found myself thinking about what I really wanted. Where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. The fact is that there isn't really anything stopping me. I have a good job right now and I was able to buy my own plane ticket for the first time for this last trip.

I've never been a fan of list making, but because I tend to lose focus a lot of the time, I think I need to utilize that organization tool, simply to keep myself on track. It works for me at work. So why not in my actual life (or lack thereof).

Listed from the short term, can-do-now items, to the more long term goals,
Here are the things I want to do:

1. Start a Video Blog:
YouTube commenters scare me. They can be needlessly cruel. However, I have been considering doing this for a long while now, and I think it's still a good idea. I have thoughts of my own, and sometimes they're more easily conveyed through expression and my voice than through text.

I also think that I could make it like a writing vlog. Of course I'll talk about other things, but I will focus on my writing, what I'm slogging through and so forth.

No, it won't get a lot of views or comments, but that won't be the point of it.

It will also be an excellent excuse for me to organize and clean my bedroom.

2. Finish a Novel and Get it Under the Nose of a Professional:
I am very close with Warped, the real world/sci-fi YA novel I've been working on since 2009. It is currently being submitted to my writing group and critiqued by people who are in the same boat as I am: Writers with some talent who have not been published yet. I am on the fifth draft, and have completed only about fifty pages of it. I need to get the next fifty done this month. Dammit!

The professional bit will, of course, come after the completed bit.

3. Retain a Steady Job
I'm working as a temp for a very good company right now. And I feel the pressure of trying to get in and become a permanent employee. Especially from my parents, who still tend to treat me like a teenager whose never had a job before.

Admittedly, the latest conversation I had with them about this turned my stomach at the idea of getting a permanent office job anywhere. I felt physically ill at the thought of staying in one work place for heaven knows how long. I know, that sounds awful and somewhat ungrateful of me, but doing what I'm doing now was never ever what I really wanted to do. What my parents, and I'm pretty sure most of my family do not, or will not, understand is that the jobs I've had since I started working were simply to make money and support myself while I work on my own time at what I really want to do. I don't want to go to a trade school, I don't want to work my way up in a company. I wouldn't mind taking some classes eventually when I can afford it, but they would be geared toward what I want to do.

I know my parents just want to make sure that I'm taken care of. I know that's all they want for me: To be happy and taken care of. Sometimes, it is difficult not to take their concerns as lack of faith me, and in what I'm trying to accomplish. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I certainly haven't done anything that would secure any belief that I can truly finish something. But there is no use in focusing on that.

I also want me to be happy and taken care of. And for right now, a permanent position somewhere is not a bad idea. It was more the idea of being stuck somewhere, in some office, that made me a little queasy. So, that's what I'm going to try to accomplish within the next few months.

4. Take Care of Myself
This is actually a little more involved than the usual exercising, and eating better thing. Although, I do try to go for walks during the week while I'm at work, and I don't stuff myself like I used to because I just didn't care. I don't even try to fight the chocolate. Maybe I'll find the strength for that later on.

I have some medical problems that need to be addressed. Lately it's seemed like my life is on "Stand By" because of these issues. I had tests done last year, and racked up an impressive hospital bill that I am pay off little by little, because I don't have good insurance (when I have any at all).

For the past year I haven't done anything about it at all, and that's not good. There is one issue I have that could end up taking my life. I think about it every day. It's always there in the back of my mind. And all it does is upset and frustrate me because I don't have the money to pay the doctors so they can figure out what's causing the problem.

So, like a lot of things in my life, I've been avoiding it. That's usually my solution for everything. Oh, if I don't worry about it, if I don't think about it, it will soon go away. I've been happier lately, but that thing, The Thing That's Wrong With Me is always there, nagging in the back of my mind. It's not going away.

That is partially why my family is hoping that I get a permanent position somewhere. That way I would have insurance benefits, and wouldn't have to worry so much about paying the hospital and the doctors. And maybe, just maybe the cause would be found, and I could be Fixed.

There's no guarantee that will happen, though. So, I need to go through with Option Two: Applying for state insurance. I have the paperwork. (Which Mom physically handed to me.) I just need to hunker down and fill it out.

5. Work from Home
We're getting into the long term goals now. And this is the dream. And I don't mean any job where I still have to put in my eight hours. I really hope that one day I can make enough money by my writing that I won't need the aforementioned permanent desk job anymore. I'm not looking to be hugely J.K. Rowling famous, to have all of my books made into movies or anything. I just want to make enough that I can support myself. That way, I can write, be my own boss (for the most part) and still have time to take care of my hypothetical family.

And that leads me right on to number six.

6. Have a Family
I'm single (always and forever). And I do believe that I was meant to be single for this long. I needed to grow up and figure things out. It probably took me longer than it should have, but I am happier now for it.

I'm not searching and obsessing over finding a man. It doesn't bother me that I've never gotten past the first date with a guy. I needed to learn about what I wanted, what I needed. Now, I know I still need to learn. The difference is that I am willing to learn alongside someone else.
I have no doubt that it will happen eventually. I plan to meet whatever comes when it does.

As for children, I reference number four in this list. If I want to have my own kids, I need to take care of my medical issues first. Otherwise, it would make things more complicated and dangerous than they generally are when it comes to pregnancy. That's why this is goal is basically last on the list. I need to get myself taken care of first before I start taking care of someone else.

Yeah, there are other things I want to do. I'd like to go Skydiving. I'd like to go to New York City. I'd like to be an extra in a Star Trek movie. I'd like to meet Harrison Ford. But those aren't the big things. I can go on living if none of those things happen and be happy.

This list, these six items are where I want to go.

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abrynne

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