Things kept falling and making big bangy noises, waking me up. Curse you, bottle of TUMS!

Since I'm awake let me describe my current situation:

Right now I am sitting up in bed. It's still semi-dark in my bedroom. I've been up since about seven and decided to open up Harold (laptop) after dilly-dallying around on my phone in Candy Crush, waiting for the next set of levels to open up. I have just finished answering some messages on FB and decided to make this entry because I am literally stuck in here for at least another hour.

I would like to go to the bathroom, but unfortunately I am connected to my cycler. The cycler is a machine that I hook up to every night and basically does my dialysis for me. It has a pump that puts fluid in and out of my body at certain intervals throughout the night. That's probably the simplest explanation for it.

In the spirit of naming all of my devices and appliances I have named my particular cycler Legolas because it is essential for my survival yet constantly states the obvious.

There is a ten foot line of tube that connects me to Legolas, so I am "free to move about the cabin" as it were. But I can only go as far as my bedroom door, and that's about it. I'm kind of on a leash. A leash that's connected to my insides, but a leash nonetheless.

Having woken up early today, I have to wait until Legolas is finished before I can disconnect from it and go to the bathroom. Maybe take a shower.

The good thing about Legolas, however, is that my days are freed up. I don't have to do any treatments during the day because Legolas handles them all at night. So, that is nice.

My relationship with Legolas has not always been so peachy, though. Oh no. When I first got Legolas, he was set to drain as much fluid out as possible before he filled me up again. I don't know if I can accurately describe what it feels like to have something hoovering out your insides, but I can say that it is not pleasant. It was very painful at one point and I was sore during the day.

Now, after my nurse changed some settings, Legolas and I have an amicable relationship. Very give and take. Well quite literally, it's give, wait for an hour, and then take again.

Mom bought me a notebook at my request, and I've been scribbling in it off and on. Going back to the beginning (This is where I am, this is where I'll stay! I will nobemoved!) and writing by hand again is kind of refreshing. It's slower, but then again, I'm slower right now, so it fits. I do feel like some of what I used to be is coming back. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Yet I can't think of another way to explain it.

I still get tired easily. Don't know when that's going to go away. I did some laundry yesterday and helped Mom and Dad and Sean can peaches. And that basically wore me out. Even though I slept in really late I was able to go right to sleep last night because of how tired I was. It still feels like a work out taking a shower.

But I'm helping out more. Mom doesn't go downstairs much because of her knees, so the laundry is officially my job. I also try to help cook and stuff. Standing at the stove to cook something is a challenge because I get tired and have to sit down, but a couple of months ago I couldn't really stand at the stove at all. Progress! I guess. :P

I just read through my last post. Wow, that is depressing. Justifiably so, but still...

Instead of going to get my blood cleaned three times a week, now I do my treatment at home. I have to drain and fill my peritoneal cavity (It basically holds all of your organs. Yes, everybody has one.) with a special solution, which pulls the toxins and extra fluid out of my body. So I drain the bad stuff out and then fill up with a fresh batch every time I do it.

It took some getting used to. I started on this about a month ago. That was a really hard week, when I first began the training. But I got used to it. I'd say that's been the biggest idea behind this whole process, "You'll get used to it." I can't say how many things I've had to "get used to" within the past three months. But that statement has yet to be proven untrue.

"Home" is also very different now. I moved out of my parents house when I was twenty-four years old, back in 2007. I'm thirty one now, and back in the house with Mom and Dad, and the youngest bro, Sean.

Like with anything else, there are pros and cons to this transition. There is usually someone home with me, which is nice. (I've had a hard time with being by myself since I got out of the hospital.) Yet Sean takes over the TV downstairs almost immediately after coming home from work.

I'm really grateful though. I've been completely dependent upon them since I moved in here, Sean included. He brings the boxes of supplies into my room when I run out; Dad's taken over my car payment and insurance; and Mom's gone to every appointment with me, she brings me food and helps me with my laundry.

I would not be surviving without them.

What's frustrating though is I feel like that's all I'm doing. Surviving. I haven't written a single thing since this insanity began. I don't draw anymore; I just sit and stare at Netflix. It's understandable. But I can feel my brain getting restless because my body is still weak and requires a lot of rest.

I wake up in the morning, thinking of things I want to do. It's usually just simple things - wash my hair, put some laundry in, maybe get out my sketchbook - and, like yesterday morning, my body stopped me. My blood pressure dropped dramatically that morning, and I didn't even have the strength to make my bed. Cec had bought tickets for a One Republic concert ages ago, so I had no choice but to try and rest before it was time to go to the concert last night. Thankfully, I was able to go and didn't have a hard time. It was a great concert.

Maybe that's just what I'll have to do. I need force myself to get back into the things I liked to do. It's so easy to get complacent and just not care anymore.

Apparently there's been a fuss about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints asking those who support the group "Ordain Women" to not protest a session of the church's semi-annual General Conference which will be happening in a couple of weeks.

The members of this group are (mostly as far as I know) female and members of the LDS church as well. I am also female, single, and a member of the LDS church. So, let me break it down here.

Our General Conference consist of five meetings that take place within two days (Saturday and Sunday) in the fall and spring of each year. There are two meetings, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, lasting about two hours a piece on each day. And on Saturday evening, there's the third meeting for that weekend which is generally called the Priesthood Session. And that means that all worthy members of the priesthood are asked to attend. Meaning the men who are ordained priesthood holders, usually from the age of twelve and up.

The Priesthood Session is what "Ordain Women" plan to protest, as I understand it. Makes sense, as their goal is to have the LDS church allow women to be ordained with the priesthood as well.

Women don't go to this session of General Conference. However, they, and anyone else, have access to read and watch the talks from that session in the church's published magazines or on the church website lds.org later on. So to be clear, the Priesthood Session is not a super secret meeting between just the men of the church. Everyone can find out exactly what goes on in there by just opening up their internet browser.

And, interestingly enough, there is also a Women's Session that happens twice a year in the same fashion. It usually happens a couple of weeks before the weekend of General Conference. It's just for the women. This year they are making it open to girls and women ages eight and up. You can also go onto the website or look in the church magazines for all that is covered in that session as well.

Now, for the priesthood itself. I can tell you with complete honesty I believe a woman should be treated with respect and appreciation in her every day life. I believe that women should be paid as much as men are for the same job. I believe that women have a right to as much education as they need/want whether they plan to be a mother, or CFO of Nike. Personally, though, I never have wanted to be ordained to hold the priesthood.

Holding the priesthood is an enormous responsibility. Yes, with it you can be given leadership roles in the church, which are even more of a responsibility. To be a worthy priesthood holder, you have to constantly work at what you know is right. Keep your pride in check, know that it is only to serve God, your family, and your fellow man (and woman). I've seen men buckle under this responsibility. I've seen and heard stories of men, leaders of their congregation even, fail at keeping this up. It has proven to me that Satan works even harder to bring down those men God has called to be priesthood holders and leaders in the church. Sometimes, sadly, he is successful.

But to me, that is also why the responsibility of the priesthood is given to men.
If you look at recent statistics of the LDS church there are more female members than male. Women are more receptive to the teachings than men are when investigating the church and its gospel.

I've been a member of the LDS church my whole life and now, in my thirties, I still continue to learn about it. This is not any official doctrine or standpoint of the church itself, this is my opinion only. I believe that there is a special Priesthood session because the men need specific counsel from the leaders of our church that focuses purely on them as men and priesthood holders. I also believe it is the same for the Women's Conference. I have watched and read talks given in the Priesthood sessions, and I've attended many Women's Conferences. It still amazes me at how poignant and specific the speakers are to each group they are speaking.

I know it may not seem like it but I do understand the motivations behind "Ordain Women". It is about equality. Allowing women into more leadership roles in the church, giving them an opportunity to hold the priesthood as other churches have done. It makes sense from the point of view of equality, which I am usually in favor of.

The sisters who are pushing for this kind of equality in the church - and I say sisters because that's what they are as we are all children of God - may want to think a little harder about their motivations, though. Equality is usually all well and good, but when it comes to being a worthy, ordained priesthood holder you need a little more than that. Remember what I said about keeping your pride in check? Wanting the priesthood just to say that you have it is not what having it is about. If you're willing to serve God, your family, and so forth what's great about being a woman in the church is that you don't need to have the priesthood in order to accomplish that. There are so many other ways to serve that are just as important as serving using the priesthood.

To me, women are equal in the church. We just have different things to do. It is our job to support our priesthood holders whether they are our brothers, fathers, husbands, or crazy uncles. I know that sounds like a very old fashioned thing to say, but just remember that the support goes both ways - equally.

As women in the church we are incredibly special. Our male leaders have said as much and more. We are here specifically to help the men. Because even our leaders know that they would not get very far without us.

And if you still are skeptical about just that one responsibility I have listed for women in the church, I'd like to introduce you to my mother, Kathleen. Mother of seven children, supporter of six missionaries (Five boys, one girl. Two of them overseas.) and married to the same man, a priesthood holder, for forty-three and a half years. She's a musician and taught Sunday school until very recently when she had surgery, and they decided to call her to teach one of the children's classes once she is recovered. All my life she has reminded me how important my role is in supporting priesthood holders. Now that I am older I understand more of what she was talking about. It is super important.

As for other responsibilities for women, there are many. And I'm not only talking about becoming a mother, which is an enormous responsibility within itself. I'm single and in my thirties, as I've said. I also teach a primary Sunday school class. (Eight year old children.) That in itself is daunting enough. There is also helping support the missionaries (sisters and elders), fulfilling your calling whether that is primary teacher or Relief Society President, helping other sisters and families in your congregation.

For each woman her responsibilities are a little different, but they are all so very important to the whole that is the church, no matter where in the world she may be. And that's why wanting more, wanting the priesthood as well seems silly to me. There is so much on our plates already.

The focus of the LDS church is charity, which we are taught is love in its purest form. We strive to become more like Christ, who's love was and is perfect, flawless and told us that "Charity never faileth". Striving for goals that serve to only fulfill your personal pride is the opposite of all of that.

Equality is important. But to those women who are fighting to have the priesthood given to women as well as men, I ask them and whoever is reading this: On top of everything else we do, do you really want it?

It's been a long, long while since I've done a super detailed, life blog post. And seeing as how LJ is down, here I am.

Three weeks until Christmas. I just got back from visiting Danny & Fam in Denver yesterday. It was a great Thanksgiving! I love those kiddies and Dan & Stef so much! They are awesome and hilarious. I think my only problem was that I was extra tired because of the lack of oxygen up there. If I'd been there for longer, I would have gotten used to it. But other than that, I really like it there. It's pretty.

Whilst at Danny's I found myself thinking about what I really wanted. Where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. The fact is that there isn't really anything stopping me. I have a good job right now and I was able to buy my own plane ticket for the first time for this last trip.

I've never been a fan of list making, but because I tend to lose focus a lot of the time, I think I need to utilize that organization tool, simply to keep myself on track. It works for me at work. So why not in my actual life (or lack thereof).

Listed from the short term, can-do-now items, to the more long term goals,
Here are the things I want to do:

1. Start a Video Blog:
YouTube commenters scare me. They can be needlessly cruel. However, I have been considering doing this for a long while now, and I think it's still a good idea. I have thoughts of my own, and sometimes they're more easily conveyed through expression and my voice than through text.

I also think that I could make it like a writing vlog. Of course I'll talk about other things, but I will focus on my writing, what I'm slogging through and so forth.

No, it won't get a lot of views or comments, but that won't be the point of it.

It will also be an excellent excuse for me to organize and clean my bedroom.

2. Finish a Novel and Get it Under the Nose of a Professional:
I am very close with Warped, the real world/sci-fi YA novel I've been working on since 2009. It is currently being submitted to my writing group and critiqued by people who are in the same boat as I am: Writers with some talent who have not been published yet. I am on the fifth draft, and have completed only about fifty pages of it. I need to get the next fifty done this month. Dammit!

The professional bit will, of course, come after the completed bit.

3. Retain a Steady Job
I'm working as a temp for a very good company right now. And I feel the pressure of trying to get in and become a permanent employee. Especially from my parents, who still tend to treat me like a teenager whose never had a job before.

Admittedly, the latest conversation I had with them about this turned my stomach at the idea of getting a permanent office job anywhere. I felt physically ill at the thought of staying in one work place for heaven knows how long. I know, that sounds awful and somewhat ungrateful of me, but doing what I'm doing now was never ever what I really wanted to do. What my parents, and I'm pretty sure most of my family do not, or will not, understand is that the jobs I've had since I started working were simply to make money and support myself while I work on my own time at what I really want to do. I don't want to go to a trade school, I don't want to work my way up in a company. I wouldn't mind taking some classes eventually when I can afford it, but they would be geared toward what I want to do.

I know my parents just want to make sure that I'm taken care of. I know that's all they want for me: To be happy and taken care of. Sometimes, it is difficult not to take their concerns as lack of faith me, and in what I'm trying to accomplish. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I certainly haven't done anything that would secure any belief that I can truly finish something. But there is no use in focusing on that.

I also want me to be happy and taken care of. And for right now, a permanent position somewhere is not a bad idea. It was more the idea of being stuck somewhere, in some office, that made me a little queasy. So, that's what I'm going to try to accomplish within the next few months.

4. Take Care of Myself
This is actually a little more involved than the usual exercising, and eating better thing. Although, I do try to go for walks during the week while I'm at work, and I don't stuff myself like I used to because I just didn't care. I don't even try to fight the chocolate. Maybe I'll find the strength for that later on.

I have some medical problems that need to be addressed. Lately it's seemed like my life is on "Stand By" because of these issues. I had tests done last year, and racked up an impressive hospital bill that I am pay off little by little, because I don't have good insurance (when I have any at all).

For the past year I haven't done anything about it at all, and that's not good. There is one issue I have that could end up taking my life. I think about it every day. It's always there in the back of my mind. And all it does is upset and frustrate me because I don't have the money to pay the doctors so they can figure out what's causing the problem.

So, like a lot of things in my life, I've been avoiding it. That's usually my solution for everything. Oh, if I don't worry about it, if I don't think about it, it will soon go away. I've been happier lately, but that thing, The Thing That's Wrong With Me is always there, nagging in the back of my mind. It's not going away.

That is partially why my family is hoping that I get a permanent position somewhere. That way I would have insurance benefits, and wouldn't have to worry so much about paying the hospital and the doctors. And maybe, just maybe the cause would be found, and I could be Fixed.

There's no guarantee that will happen, though. So, I need to go through with Option Two: Applying for state insurance. I have the paperwork. (Which Mom physically handed to me.) I just need to hunker down and fill it out.

5. Work from Home
We're getting into the long term goals now. And this is the dream. And I don't mean any job where I still have to put in my eight hours. I really hope that one day I can make enough money by my writing that I won't need the aforementioned permanent desk job anymore. I'm not looking to be hugely J.K. Rowling famous, to have all of my books made into movies or anything. I just want to make enough that I can support myself. That way, I can write, be my own boss (for the most part) and still have time to take care of my hypothetical family.

And that leads me right on to number six.

6. Have a Family
I'm single (always and forever). And I do believe that I was meant to be single for this long. I needed to grow up and figure things out. It probably took me longer than it should have, but I am happier now for it.

I'm not searching and obsessing over finding a man. It doesn't bother me that I've never gotten past the first date with a guy. I needed to learn about what I wanted, what I needed. Now, I know I still need to learn. The difference is that I am willing to learn alongside someone else.
I have no doubt that it will happen eventually. I plan to meet whatever comes when it does.

As for children, I reference number four in this list. If I want to have my own kids, I need to take care of my medical issues first. Otherwise, it would make things more complicated and dangerous than they generally are when it comes to pregnancy. That's why this is goal is basically last on the list. I need to get myself taken care of first before I start taking care of someone else.

Yeah, there are other things I want to do. I'd like to go Skydiving. I'd like to go to New York City. I'd like to be an extra in a Star Trek movie. I'd like to meet Harrison Ford. But those aren't the big things. I can go on living if none of those things happen and be happy.

This list, these six items are where I want to go.