Jan. 19th, 2015 12:36 am
abrynne: (save me)
Being in a situation like mine, it becomes more and more difficult to keep oneself occupied. Finding any kind of purpose or task is hard. It usually has to be physical, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, working on a puzzle. When I am too tired for anything like that or I can't think of anything else, I usually end up lying on my bed and watching TV.

Moving a TV into my room was a good idea. But then again it probably wasn't either.

I watched Julie and Julia today. I don't know why I like that movie. Well, yes I do. I know why I like it. In spite of the grating character Amy Adam's plays in that, I am drawn to the story about two women who were determined to finish something, and when they finally did it paid off in spades. Not only that but they found/fed their passions in doing that something.

I also have a soft spot for stories about writers getting their break. Whenever I see Jo March in Little Women open that package at the end of the movie, or Julia Child open that envelope from the publishing company, I always get a thrill for them.

When I saw that scene in Julie & Julia today, it got me thinking about how I've just been drifting here for the past nine months. This is the longest I've gone without a job since I was eighteen. This is the longest I've gone without writing anything substantial for many years also. At first, I felt like I lost it. I lost my motivation, whatever that was, to write. And not only that, I lost my creativity - whatever it was that allowed me to write in the first place.

Watching that movie today made me want to be able to write again. But I'm afraid that I can't. At least not how I used to. So, then I asked myself, why do I want to be a writer? Why?

So I can be the next J.K. Rowling and make a gazillion dollars off of my children's stories?
No. One of the first rules I learned when I got into this was that you don't go into writing for the money. The odds of anything like that happening to me are astronomical. If I can ever make enough for me to live on that would be miraculous in itself.

Why, then?

Because it is far too interesting inside my brain to keep it all to myself? Possibly. Writing does help me express that.

There is a high I always get when I'm first writing a new story down whether it's by hand or otherwise. It is a thrill like nothing else. I haven't experienced that in a long time. I still probably won't for a while because of how tired I always am.

But I think today I learned that at least the desire, the motivation is still there inside me somewhere. Hopefully I'll be able to act on it again.


Sep. 11th, 2014 08:24 am
abrynne: (Default)
Things kept falling and making big bangy noises, waking me up. Curse you, bottle of TUMS!

Since I'm awake let me describe my current situation:

Right now I am sitting up in bed. It's still semi-dark in my bedroom. I've been up since about seven and decided to open up Harold (laptop) after dilly-dallying around on my phone in Candy Crush, waiting for the next set of levels to open up. I have just finished answering some messages on FB and decided to make this entry because I am literally stuck in here for at least another hour.

I would like to go to the bathroom, but unfortunately I am connected to my cycler. The cycler is a machine that I hook up to every night and basically does my dialysis for me. It has a pump that puts fluid in and out of my body at certain intervals throughout the night. That's probably the simplest explanation for it.

In the spirit of naming all of my devices and appliances I have named my particular cycler Legolas because it is essential for my survival yet constantly states the obvious.

There is a ten foot line of tube that connects me to Legolas, so I am "free to move about the cabin" as it were. But I can only go as far as my bedroom door, and that's about it. I'm kind of on a leash. A leash that's connected to my insides, but a leash nonetheless.

Having woken up early today, I have to wait until Legolas is finished before I can disconnect from it and go to the bathroom. Maybe take a shower.

The good thing about Legolas, however, is that my days are freed up. I don't have to do any treatments during the day because Legolas handles them all at night. So, that is nice.

My relationship with Legolas has not always been so peachy, though. Oh no. When I first got Legolas, he was set to drain as much fluid out as possible before he filled me up again. I don't know if I can accurately describe what it feels like to have something hoovering out your insides, but I can say that it is not pleasant. It was very painful at one point and I was sore during the day.

Now, after my nurse changed some settings, Legolas and I have an amicable relationship. Very give and take. Well quite literally, it's give, wait for an hour, and then take again.

Mom bought me a notebook at my request, and I've been scribbling in it off and on. Going back to the beginning (This is where I am, this is where I'll stay! I will nobemoved!) and writing by hand again is kind of refreshing. It's slower, but then again, I'm slower right now, so it fits. I do feel like some of what I used to be is coming back. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Yet I can't think of another way to explain it.

I still get tired easily. Don't know when that's going to go away. I did some laundry yesterday and helped Mom and Dad and Sean can peaches. And that basically wore me out. Even though I slept in really late I was able to go right to sleep last night because of how tired I was. It still feels like a work out taking a shower.

But I'm helping out more. Mom doesn't go downstairs much because of her knees, so the laundry is officially my job. I also try to help cook and stuff. Standing at the stove to cook something is a challenge because I get tired and have to sit down, but a couple of months ago I couldn't really stand at the stove at all. Progress! I guess. :P
abrynne: (Default)
It's been pouring rain outside all day long. Perfect writing weather.

I've had the itch to write in the back of my brain for the past week or more. But my fear of diving into it again has trumped the itch so far. I'm not sure what exactly I'm afraid of. I suppose I've been away from it for so long now, it's hard to get up the courage to try poking at it again.

I went into the hospital at the end of March. It is now the end of July. Maybe it's the idea that my motivation is completely gone. I can't even come up with a reason to pick up a book and read it. What with all of this change in my life, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it's difficult to see the point when all you do is sleep, try to eat, make sure to get your four dialysis treatments in (Don't forget those!) and then go back to sleep again.

Yet, there has been this itch.

And I still don't know what to do with it. I think I'm also afraid that this whole medical experience has sucked all of the creativity out of me. Yes, that may be an irrational fear (fear itself is typically irrational) but I've been trying to come up with a reason for my complete lack of motivation to do anything that I used to enjoy.

With that though, I'll just be talking myself in circles. I want to try waiting on it a little more. Writing was the only thing that I really wanted to do. Now, I'm very afraid that that's not the case anymore.

I've been living at the parents' house since May. It's been okay. I have my own little bedroom, where I've hung up some posters and where Becca also brought me a life size cardboard cut out of Jared Padalecki. He stares darkly at me from my closet. For a while I had a scarf wrapped around his head so he'd stop staring at me while I put my underwear away.

Living at the parents' house comes with the instinctive "helping out" feeling. And I try to when I'm feeling good. Mom has a hard time going up and down the stairs, so I've been doing more of the laundry lately. I'm kind of a weakling, but stairs don't bother me at least.

I've also learned a lot about Halo and other video games through Sean. He's let me play some, and while I'm not horrible, I would be a major handicap to any online team I joined. But that never bothered me. I just enjoy blowing things up.

In return, Sean's been watching Supernatural with me. He's never seen it before, so I've been very excited about getting him to watch certain episodes. We're in the middle of season six.

My treatment is the same as I stated before. I'm doing it at home four times a day. It's not bad, but sometimes it can get in the way of things. Cecily took me down to Ashland for some of the Shakespeare festival a couple of weeks ago and I had to bring all of my stuff with me so I could do my dialysis in the hotel room. Once we were there it was okay, but it took a bit of planning ahead, which I'm not prone to. We also had to plan out or days while in Ashland around the times I needed to stop and ... dialysize.

Hopefully it won't last much longer. Next week, I'm going to start training on this machine they call a "cycler" which will do my treatments at night while I sleep (Hopefully I'll be able to sleep.) so eventually I won't have to do anything during the day.

I'll still have my catheter that goes around with me. I know what I thought of when I first heard the word "catheter" but it's not what you think. This catheter goes through a small hole in my abdomen about six inches to the side of my belly button. The tube inside drains the old fluid and fills me up with new fluid for dialysis. The tube outside is about eighteen inches long. And I have to coil it up and tape it to me in order to keep it from catching on anything.

After having that tube for almost three months now, something interesting came to mind. I thought of that line that Tony Stark says in The Avengers. Tony points to the glowing arc reactor in his chest and explains that it's keeping him alive and then he says, "It's a part of me."

That's what my catheter is too. It's something artificial that was put in to keep me alive. And it is a part of me. It's nowhere near as awesome, of course. And I doubt I could power a metal suit with rocket boots with it. Regardless, it does what it's supposed to. And it's been part of huge changes in my life. It's a part of me now. Although... maybe if I ran into Tony he could think of something cool I could do with it. :)

Hm. Maybe that writing thing will come back after all.
abrynne: (Default)
I just read through my last post. Wow, that is depressing. Justifiably so, but still...

Instead of going to get my blood cleaned three times a week, now I do my treatment at home. I have to drain and fill my peritoneal cavity (It basically holds all of your organs. Yes, everybody has one.) with a special solution, which pulls the toxins and extra fluid out of my body. So I drain the bad stuff out and then fill up with a fresh batch every time I do it.

It took some getting used to. I started on this about a month ago. That was a really hard week, when I first began the training. But I got used to it. I'd say that's been the biggest idea behind this whole process, "You'll get used to it." I can't say how many things I've had to "get used to" within the past three months. But that statement has yet to be proven untrue.

"Home" is also very different now. I moved out of my parents house when I was twenty-four years old, back in 2007. I'm thirty one now, and back in the house with Mom and Dad, and the youngest bro, Sean.

Like with anything else, there are pros and cons to this transition. There is usually someone home with me, which is nice. (I've had a hard time with being by myself since I got out of the hospital.) Yet Sean takes over the TV downstairs almost immediately after coming home from work.

I'm really grateful though. I've been completely dependent upon them since I moved in here, Sean included. He brings the boxes of supplies into my room when I run out; Dad's taken over my car payment and insurance; and Mom's gone to every appointment with me, she brings me food and helps me with my laundry.

I would not be surviving without them.

What's frustrating though is I feel like that's all I'm doing. Surviving. I haven't written a single thing since this insanity began. I don't draw anymore; I just sit and stare at Netflix. It's understandable. But I can feel my brain getting restless because my body is still weak and requires a lot of rest.

I wake up in the morning, thinking of things I want to do. It's usually just simple things - wash my hair, put some laundry in, maybe get out my sketchbook - and, like yesterday morning, my body stopped me. My blood pressure dropped dramatically that morning, and I didn't even have the strength to make my bed. Cec had bought tickets for a One Republic concert ages ago, so I had no choice but to try and rest before it was time to go to the concert last night. Thankfully, I was able to go and didn't have a hard time. It was a great concert.

Maybe that's just what I'll have to do. I need force myself to get back into the things I liked to do. It's so easy to get complacent and just not care anymore.


Apr. 19th, 2014 12:13 am
abrynne: (Default)
I should probably be sleeping. It seems like that's all I do. I sleep a lot now. Eat, sleep, and poop. Like a cat.

In my faith we believe that God gives us trials for a purpose, not just because life sucks and that's how it is. God's trials for us are meant to teach us, to help us in the long run, or maybe even to knock us down a few pegs.

At the end of March, I was checked into the hospital with the highest blood pressure I've ever seen. One of the nurses said it might be a record.

For five days before that I had been home sick, vomiting, unable to even stay standing up in the shower I was so weak, and feeling generally horrible. I thought it was some nasty stomach flu. The parents insisted I go to the doctor when it was clear that my symptoms were lasting way too long.

I went to the doctor, who referred me to the hospital where I was admitted and my blood pressure dealt with. I was checked into the ICU at first, which was odd for the nurses as they were more accustomed to their patients being non responsive and needing help to go to the bathroom.

My BP was knocked down gradually and tests were done to figure out the root cause of my sickness and BP.

Turns out that I was suffering from acute renal failure. Which also means kidney failure. My kidneys are dying because of dealing with the high BP I've been wrestling with for so long. And that, it is theorized, in turn was first caused by inflammation in my kidneys.

I haven't been to work in a month. J, my boss, is the best boss I've ever had and he's been really understanding up to this point. (He even sent me a huge bouquet of flowers when I was at the hospital.) But something has got to give.

Since I was in the hospital I've been getting dialysis treatment three times a week. Dialysis is a process for cleaning the blood, getting rid of excess fluid, which is what your kidneys normally do. So Monday, Wednesday and Friday I go to a local clinic and sit for four hours to get my blood cleaned. It usually throws me for a loop because my BP is still being closely monitored and medicated.

I am hoping to move on to the home dialysis treatment. I have to do it every day, but it's gentler and not as restrictive as going to the clinic.

After that, I'll be set on the long road that leads to getting a transplant. My siblings will be tested first for a donor match. It still sounds so surreal. Transplant? Don't we only see those on prime time medical dramas? No one actually knows anyone who gets one, right?

When I first heard the news I was surprisingly okay. I felt calm. I can't say the same for the parents, but that was expected. The doctor came in to tell me when Cecily was there. And thank heavens she was the only one there. Out of all of them, Cec was probably the best person to have there at the time.

Now, I'm only about three weeks in and I'm scared. I don't think I'm scared of all the procedures and treatments. That's not it. I'm scared of all the changes that will happen because of this.

I'm going to be moving back to my parents' house. It's the logical choice because of all of the equipment that needs to be stored for home dialysis, and if/when I have to give up my job for a little while.

I like visiting them and hanging out there, but I like living with Cec. Although right now I'm becoming more of a burden to her and her finances, so it makes sense for me to go back home. The change will be massive. And that's just the one.

My diet's changed pretty drastically along with my body itself. Dialysis makes you lose some weight in the liquid it takes off, but I also lost weight earlier when I was sick and was in the hospital. I hardly ate anything. And now, none of my pants fit. I'm not skinny by any means, but I'm now the size I was probably in 2002-2003. So, in a way, it's good that I'm not working because I literally have nothing to wear right now. Nothing that stays up at any rate.

The clothes thing is way at the bottom of the list, though. I find myself faced with insurance policies, Medicare, and social security benefits. Thankfully I have my family to help me, but it's all so nebulous and strange, with so many rules and exceptions.

And here I am: Being told to not worry about things now and just concentrate on resting and eating what I need to eat.

It's hard. And I'm tired. I'm always tired now. It's the strangest feeling when your 60+ parents, who have a hard time getting up and down the stairs in the hours, act like you're going to fall down any second and offer to carry things for you.

I never would have imagined it being this way. And yet here it is. Now, it's all I can see. I have no choice but to keep going. Because if I stop, quite literally, I die.

Feeling completely helpless is the most humbling thing in the world. It is terrifying and frustrating and so many other things. I don't think that's what God wanted me to learn through this. Helplessness. No, no. That was only part of the process.

I'm scared and sad and tired, yes. But God saved me. He made my body strong so that it would withstand that internal abuse for as long as it did and still not give up on me until I was forced to do something about it. God also forced my hand. He kicked my ass and made me look at this and nothing else.

Though now, it is all I see.
abrynne: (Default)
Apparently there's been a fuss about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints asking those who support the group "Ordain Women" to not protest a session of the church's semi-annual General Conference which will be happening in a couple of weeks.

The members of this group are (mostly as far as I know) female and members of the LDS church as well. I am also female, single, and a member of the LDS church. So, let me break it down here.

Our General Conference consist of five meetings that take place within two days (Saturday and Sunday) in the fall and spring of each year. There are two meetings, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, lasting about two hours a piece on each day. And on Saturday evening, there's the third meeting for that weekend which is generally called the Priesthood Session. And that means that all worthy members of the priesthood are asked to attend. Meaning the men who are ordained priesthood holders, usually from the age of twelve and up.

The Priesthood Session is what "Ordain Women" plan to protest, as I understand it. Makes sense, as their goal is to have the LDS church allow women to be ordained with the priesthood as well.

Women don't go to this session of General Conference. However, they, and anyone else, have access to read and watch the talks from that session in the church's published magazines or on the church website later on. So to be clear, the Priesthood Session is not a super secret meeting between just the men of the church. Everyone can find out exactly what goes on in there by just opening up their internet browser.

And, interestingly enough, there is also a Women's Session that happens twice a year in the same fashion. It usually happens a couple of weeks before the weekend of General Conference. It's just for the women. This year they are making it open to girls and women ages eight and up. You can also go onto the website or look in the church magazines for all that is covered in that session as well.

Now, for the priesthood itself. I can tell you with complete honesty I believe a woman should be treated with respect and appreciation in her every day life. I believe that women should be paid as much as men are for the same job. I believe that women have a right to as much education as they need/want whether they plan to be a mother, or CFO of Nike. Personally, though, I never have wanted to be ordained to hold the priesthood.

Holding the priesthood is an enormous responsibility. Yes, with it you can be given leadership roles in the church, which are even more of a responsibility. To be a worthy priesthood holder, you have to constantly work at what you know is right. Keep your pride in check, know that it is only to serve God, your family, and your fellow man (and woman). I've seen men buckle under this responsibility. I've seen and heard stories of men, leaders of their congregation even, fail at keeping this up. It has proven to me that Satan works even harder to bring down those men God has called to be priesthood holders and leaders in the church. Sometimes, sadly, he is successful.

But to me, that is also why the responsibility of the priesthood is given to men.
If you look at recent statistics of the LDS church there are more female members than male. Women are more receptive to the teachings than men are when investigating the church and its gospel.

I've been a member of the LDS church my whole life and now, in my thirties, I still continue to learn about it. This is not any official doctrine or standpoint of the church itself, this is my opinion only. I believe that there is a special Priesthood session because the men need specific counsel from the leaders of our church that focuses purely on them as men and priesthood holders. I also believe it is the same for the Women's Conference. I have watched and read talks given in the Priesthood sessions, and I've attended many Women's Conferences. It still amazes me at how poignant and specific the speakers are to each group they are speaking.

I know it may not seem like it but I do understand the motivations behind "Ordain Women". It is about equality. Allowing women into more leadership roles in the church, giving them an opportunity to hold the priesthood as other churches have done. It makes sense from the point of view of equality, which I am usually in favor of.

The sisters who are pushing for this kind of equality in the church - and I say sisters because that's what they are as we are all children of God - may want to think a little harder about their motivations, though. Equality is usually all well and good, but when it comes to being a worthy, ordained priesthood holder you need a little more than that. Remember what I said about keeping your pride in check? Wanting the priesthood just to say that you have it is not what having it is about. If you're willing to serve God, your family, and so forth what's great about being a woman in the church is that you don't need to have the priesthood in order to accomplish that. There are so many other ways to serve that are just as important as serving using the priesthood.

To me, women are equal in the church. We just have different things to do. It is our job to support our priesthood holders whether they are our brothers, fathers, husbands, or crazy uncles. I know that sounds like a very old fashioned thing to say, but just remember that the support goes both ways - equally.

As women in the church we are incredibly special. Our male leaders have said as much and more. We are here specifically to help the men. Because even our leaders know that they would not get very far without us.

And if you still are skeptical about just that one responsibility I have listed for women in the church, I'd like to introduce you to my mother, Kathleen. Mother of seven children, supporter of six missionaries (Five boys, one girl. Two of them overseas.) and married to the same man, a priesthood holder, for forty-three and a half years. She's a musician and taught Sunday school until very recently when she had surgery, and they decided to call her to teach one of the children's classes once she is recovered. All my life she has reminded me how important my role is in supporting priesthood holders. Now that I am older I understand more of what she was talking about. It is super important.

As for other responsibilities for women, there are many. And I'm not only talking about becoming a mother, which is an enormous responsibility within itself. I'm single and in my thirties, as I've said. I also teach a primary Sunday school class. (Eight year old children.) That in itself is daunting enough. There is also helping support the missionaries (sisters and elders), fulfilling your calling whether that is primary teacher or Relief Society President, helping other sisters and families in your congregation.

For each woman her responsibilities are a little different, but they are all so very important to the whole that is the church, no matter where in the world she may be. And that's why wanting more, wanting the priesthood as well seems silly to me. There is so much on our plates already.

The focus of the LDS church is charity, which we are taught is love in its purest form. We strive to become more like Christ, who's love was and is perfect, flawless and told us that "Charity never faileth". Striving for goals that serve to only fulfill your personal pride is the opposite of all of that.

Equality is important. But to those women who are fighting to have the priesthood given to women as well as men, I ask them and whoever is reading this: On top of everything else we do, do you really want it?
abrynne: (Default)
Sean's coming home tomorrow.

The first thing that comes to mind at that thought is, "I made it!". And that's just for me, personally. Sounds pretty selfish, I know. But truthfully, when Sean left two years ago, I had a really hard time with it. Harder than I thought I would. I knew he'd be going. All of my other siblings have served missions. They've left and come back. I handled each one of them with a decent amount of stability.

But Sean is my youngest brother. We're eight years apart, and yet out of five brothers, he's the one I get along with the best. He always gives me a hug whenever he sees me, and exchanges writing ideas with me. We like the same stuff. He's willing to drag me along with him in video games, even though I'm an enormous liability.

I can't really explain what he is to me. I can only say that he is one of my best friends. And unlike best friends who share no relation to you, Sean is my brother, so I know we'll be stuck with each other for all eternity. :P

Saying that, it's kind of an understatement when I say that I've missed him heaps over these past two years. There have been so many, many things I've wanted to share with him over that time, but have had to sit on it until he gets back.

Now that he's coming home, I know it won't be the same at first. Each missionary on coming back home presents a different scenario.

You've got this person who has dedicated two years (or 18 months) of their life to the work of the Lord. They're used to getting up at at least six in the morning every day and doing service, or teaching, or finding people to teach. They're constantly on the go, and working very hard.

When this person returns home, they come back to their families and friends, and BONUS! a whole future ahead of them that is typically not really mapped out. The change can be really daunting. So it takes time for the return missionary to adjust to not having to work his or her butt off every day, and switch their brain around from setting goals as a missionary to goals they need to start setting for their own personal future.

It's all pretty stressful and traumatic, actually. I haven't experienced it myself, but I have witnessed it in my siblings, and it all happens differently for each individual until they get settled a little.

Because of this, I know that Sean will need some time when he gets home to adjust and get used to the idea that he now needs to get on with his life. It takes longer for some than others. And that also means that I need to stand back, or wherever he wants me, while he takes that time. THEN Cecily and I can pounce on him with all of the movies he's missed.

(Just to give you an idea, the first big movie he missed was the first Hunger Games. He's missed everything from then to the present. There is an abnormal amount of awesome packed in those two years.)

I'm just anticipating too much. I'll want to hang out with him all the time, and I know that I won't be able to, so that idea makes me a little sad. There's no reason to be, though. We'll have time. Cecily's also planned a trip for the three of us to go to Disney Land at the end of February. Again, there will be time.

I'm like an overexcited puppy, I guess - Standing in front of the door, staring at it patiently ...
abrynne: (colors)
It's been a long, long while since I've done a super detailed, life blog post. And seeing as how LJ is down, here I am.

Three weeks until Christmas. I just got back from visiting Danny & Fam in Denver yesterday. It was a great Thanksgiving! I love those kiddies and Dan & Stef so much! They are awesome and hilarious. I think my only problem was that I was extra tired because of the lack of oxygen up there. If I'd been there for longer, I would have gotten used to it. But other than that, I really like it there. It's pretty.

Whilst at Danny's I found myself thinking about what I really wanted. Where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. The fact is that there isn't really anything stopping me. I have a good job right now and I was able to buy my own plane ticket for the first time for this last trip.

I've never been a fan of list making, but because I tend to lose focus a lot of the time, I think I need to utilize that organization tool, simply to keep myself on track. It works for me at work. So why not in my actual life (or lack thereof).

Listed from the short term, can-do-now items, to the more long term goals,
Here are the things I want to do:

1. Start a Video Blog:
YouTube commenters scare me. They can be needlessly cruel. However, I have been considering doing this for a long while now, and I think it's still a good idea. I have thoughts of my own, and sometimes they're more easily conveyed through expression and my voice than through text.

I also think that I could make it like a writing vlog. Of course I'll talk about other things, but I will focus on my writing, what I'm slogging through and so forth.

No, it won't get a lot of views or comments, but that won't be the point of it.

It will also be an excellent excuse for me to organize and clean my bedroom.

2. Finish a Novel and Get it Under the Nose of a Professional:
I am very close with Warped, the real world/sci-fi YA novel I've been working on since 2009. It is currently being submitted to my writing group and critiqued by people who are in the same boat as I am: Writers with some talent who have not been published yet. I am on the fifth draft, and have completed only about fifty pages of it. I need to get the next fifty done this month. Dammit!

The professional bit will, of course, come after the completed bit.

3. Retain a Steady Job
I'm working as a temp for a very good company right now. And I feel the pressure of trying to get in and become a permanent employee. Especially from my parents, who still tend to treat me like a teenager whose never had a job before.

Admittedly, the latest conversation I had with them about this turned my stomach at the idea of getting a permanent office job anywhere. I felt physically ill at the thought of staying in one work place for heaven knows how long. I know, that sounds awful and somewhat ungrateful of me, but doing what I'm doing now was never ever what I really wanted to do. What my parents, and I'm pretty sure most of my family do not, or will not, understand is that the jobs I've had since I started working were simply to make money and support myself while I work on my own time at what I really want to do. I don't want to go to a trade school, I don't want to work my way up in a company. I wouldn't mind taking some classes eventually when I can afford it, but they would be geared toward what I want to do.

I know my parents just want to make sure that I'm taken care of. I know that's all they want for me: To be happy and taken care of. Sometimes, it is difficult not to take their concerns as lack of faith me, and in what I'm trying to accomplish. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I certainly haven't done anything that would secure any belief that I can truly finish something. But there is no use in focusing on that.

I also want me to be happy and taken care of. And for right now, a permanent position somewhere is not a bad idea. It was more the idea of being stuck somewhere, in some office, that made me a little queasy. So, that's what I'm going to try to accomplish within the next few months.

4. Take Care of Myself
This is actually a little more involved than the usual exercising, and eating better thing. Although, I do try to go for walks during the week while I'm at work, and I don't stuff myself like I used to because I just didn't care. I don't even try to fight the chocolate. Maybe I'll find the strength for that later on.

I have some medical problems that need to be addressed. Lately it's seemed like my life is on "Stand By" because of these issues. I had tests done last year, and racked up an impressive hospital bill that I am pay off little by little, because I don't have good insurance (when I have any at all).

For the past year I haven't done anything about it at all, and that's not good. There is one issue I have that could end up taking my life. I think about it every day. It's always there in the back of my mind. And all it does is upset and frustrate me because I don't have the money to pay the doctors so they can figure out what's causing the problem.

So, like a lot of things in my life, I've been avoiding it. That's usually my solution for everything. Oh, if I don't worry about it, if I don't think about it, it will soon go away. I've been happier lately, but that thing, The Thing That's Wrong With Me is always there, nagging in the back of my mind. It's not going away.

That is partially why my family is hoping that I get a permanent position somewhere. That way I would have insurance benefits, and wouldn't have to worry so much about paying the hospital and the doctors. And maybe, just maybe the cause would be found, and I could be Fixed.

There's no guarantee that will happen, though. So, I need to go through with Option Two: Applying for state insurance. I have the paperwork. (Which Mom physically handed to me.) I just need to hunker down and fill it out.

5. Work from Home
We're getting into the long term goals now. And this is the dream. And I don't mean any job where I still have to put in my eight hours. I really hope that one day I can make enough money by my writing that I won't need the aforementioned permanent desk job anymore. I'm not looking to be hugely J.K. Rowling famous, to have all of my books made into movies or anything. I just want to make enough that I can support myself. That way, I can write, be my own boss (for the most part) and still have time to take care of my hypothetical family.

And that leads me right on to number six.

6. Have a Family
I'm single (always and forever). And I do believe that I was meant to be single for this long. I needed to grow up and figure things out. It probably took me longer than it should have, but I am happier now for it.

I'm not searching and obsessing over finding a man. It doesn't bother me that I've never gotten past the first date with a guy. I needed to learn about what I wanted, what I needed. Now, I know I still need to learn. The difference is that I am willing to learn alongside someone else.
I have no doubt that it will happen eventually. I plan to meet whatever comes when it does.

As for children, I reference number four in this list. If I want to have my own kids, I need to take care of my medical issues first. Otherwise, it would make things more complicated and dangerous than they generally are when it comes to pregnancy. That's why this is goal is basically last on the list. I need to get myself taken care of first before I start taking care of someone else.

Yeah, there are other things I want to do. I'd like to go Skydiving. I'd like to go to New York City. I'd like to be an extra in a Star Trek movie. I'd like to meet Harrison Ford. But those aren't the big things. I can go on living if none of those things happen and be happy.

This list, these six items are where I want to go.


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January 2015

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